tiring love

I’ve been afraid to write. Yes, very afraid. When I write, I relive and pour out—and sometimes I just want to bury myself in something “mindless,” or just chat with someone here about the day.

I feel absolutely hopeless in the quest to explain everything that goes on here. And I worry that if I only share certain parts, then people will get a warped idea.

The truth: God is moving—people are changing—and it is the most wonderful and exhausting existence.

Each day is a crazy dance in which I stumble around, tripping in the pursuit of chin-up grace—but I am getting stronger—love muscles contract—trust lungs learn to breathe. In my dance, I reach, touch, ripping the labels off the students and praying no one sticks on any more.

JESUS. They need Jesus. All my toil is for nothing if they don’t know Him. Squeezing—He squeezes my heart, now bloated with young souls I love—oh, let NOT the serpent touch these little ones. Some of them are little only in years, not exposure and experience.

But His love is strong.

So many gifts Jesus gives.
smiles—that little dimple under the eye—patting my hand to get my attention—the way they love to water the plants and are happy in a little one-room schoolhouse with me—teaching someone how to read who has fallen through the cracks—parents grabbing my arm and saying, “Thank you; it’s working” and “He used to not even care about getting a job, now he cares more and talks about it.”—the quiet after a chapter of Proverbs—hard faces softened—their trust—their dreams—their love, even through the continual correction—nose to the fish tank—little fingers on the globe—random conversations about Shakespeare—oh, I love them. This life of 5:30am to 4pm, but in reality 24/7, is worth it.

What a privilege it is, and how humbled I am to be entrusted with it.

On a personal note—the Lord has gently lifted me and ushered me into the flames of His refinement. I thought it just might kill me—and it almost did—and that’s the beauty! He is opening my eyes and giving me new senses, an awakened touch and thoughtfulness. One moment at a time—that’s how He’s calling me to serve Him—not with worry and anxiety about tomorrow. I will never be satisfied in myself, but I AM learning to be satisfied in Him.