this backpack

The Lord has given me the privilege of being the main supervisor over thirty middle schoolers and highschoolers. I deal with autism, ADD/ADHD, epilepsy, demonic possession (so it seems), and plain old rebellion. There are students who...
push e.v.e.r.y. button
cut every blessed piece of anything in front of them
roll on the floor
spit in my face
can't give me one second of peace
need motivation
are talking about suicide
have been molested
are just plain lazy
have much girl drama and attitude
are deeply wounded
have been physically intimidating
are very disrespectful
REFUSE to stay seated
want to date me
whine constantly

As a woman who looks young and only stands a bit over five feet, this has been quite a challenge. so many tasks. so much sternness. I have to defy my personality in order to maintain order and professionalism. It wears me out--this work, this love. There is no such thing as personal space, haha!

But beyond all the crazy, there is such joy and peace. This is a gift, this adventure of love, of wacko I-must-be doing-this-for-the-Lord. From wake to sleep, I have a mission. I carry a backpack of burdens, but every night I can lay them before the feet of sweet Jesus. When I first started working with the older students, I was so overwhelmed because I thought that I had to FIX everything, and that every problem was my fault, somehow. But really, I just have to stay near the Lord and softly summon them to Him. Some days I just walk away for a second and pray for strength for that moment, for that hour, that day. And His refreshing waters of peace and strength do NOT run dry. Even in the loneliest of moments...He is there. He is my knight, helping me slay the dragons of my stinky attitude towards conflict with the students.

It feels heavy sometimes, that backpack, but HE is the strength of my life, my heart. And HE is my portion forever.

Jesus

Usually I come to my blogpost knowing, for the most part, what I want to write. I try to be fairly witty and thought-provoking. But tonight, all I can say is...Jesus.



JESUS.


There is nothing good in me, outside of Him. Yes, I am giving my life at this school and trying to be a vessel of His love and grace. Yes, it's SUCH an amazing adventure and way to use my life for the Kingdom. But what am I without Him? nothing. Seems like those in my generation are all about self-promotion and advertisement. We take and edit fifty-thousand  pictures of ourselves for our blogs or facebook, and yet refuse to memorize God's Word, or make that phone call to someone in need, or just sit and listen to the Savior. I'm just a clay pot, and a cracked one at that.

He's giving me such joy in the work I do! Through the stress, God gives me gifts of hilarious moments with the students, as well as glimpses that God is convicting their hearts. Yes, I have many stories to tell, but as I said before, tonight I must remind you, His name is...


JESUS.
and His love is extravagant.
and He is coming soon.
i should just stop typing...because He's too wonderful for words...